Curiosity and exploration are the foundation of an intimate, exciting, & fulfilling sex life that lasts. Broadly, that means finding ways to add adventure to your relationship and sexy times. Practically, it means always asking, “What else?!” For example:
- What else feels good? What else doesn’t?
- What else turns you on? What else turns you off?
- What else do you want to try?
- What else is out there to try (sexually, romantically, etc)?
Asking these questions naturally instills a sense of adventure in your relationship. And that’s good because, as I wrote in this post:
It’s normal for passion & connection to fade over time.
Early in a relationship, your brain pumps out a shit ton of dopamine every time you see or think about your new beau. Dopamine’s associated with pleasure. In high amounts, it makes you feel euphoric. Think: butterflies, racing heart, trouble sleeping and focusing, obsessing over your new beau, and wanting to go at it like rabbits.
As time goes on, your brain stops making as much dopamine. You get used to your beau being around. Just like the 10th bite of ice cream isn’t as dreamy as the first, so your typical date night starts feeling less exciting! You obsess a little less, focus a little more, and generally become a whole person again (seriously: early love is all consuming in the best possible way). Deep but gentle intimacy (and sometimes comfy relationship hell) replaces wild, fiery passion. This is absolutely normal. And also bothersome if you want to feel more passionately in love. Luckily there’s an easy fix:
If you want to reconnect your relationship, plan an [adventure].
Doing new things together gives you both a hit of dopamine. Your heart beats faster, you breathe more quickly, and you notice more – colors, scents, and sensations. All good things to be more mindful of for better sex!
Plus, dopamine triggers your body to release more testosterone, the hormone that fuels sexual desire in all genders.
You don’t need to plan a grand adventure [though you can!] to get that falling in love feeling. It has to be new to at least one of you, though it’s best if neither of you have tried it before.
16 Ways to Add Adventure to Your Relationship
In the spirit of giving, here are 16 ways to give your honey adventure; answer, “what else?”; and, get all the associated sex & relationship benefits!
- Try some sensation play. Here’s what that is and how to add it to your sex life.
- Reenact your favorite scene from a beloved porn movie or romance novel. Go all out with props, costumes, and maybe even a different location. Or keep it simple, focus on the premise, and use your imagination.
- Explore the back door. If you’re just starting out, be sure to read my must-know tips for beginners.
- Try a sex toy! You knew this was coming right? Here are my personal favorite sex toys AND my top recommendations for couples. Don’t believe me, see what my friend Jaime* said: “My husband got me a Swann vibrator for my birthday 3 years ago. Best. Present. Ever.”
- Explore different ways of experiencing orgasm. Make it a goal to try these 8 ways to get off without having intercourse!
- Try your favorite position, in a slightly different way. I have ideas to make doggy style hotter here. Get ideas for any kind of lover here.
- Get a bra fitting and then some perfect-for-you lingerie. Being professionally fitted and investing in good bras is among my top 10 body decisions (alongside getting treatment for my eating disorder, giving up exercise, and only buying supportive shoes – not exaggerating). Wearing the right-sized bra helped me feel more confident and in turn, sexy. Learning more about bras & lingerie opened my eyes to a new world- there’s really something for every style and personality! I prefer the “sporty chic” look even though I’m not atheltic at all. My friend Kelly* is a corset and garters girl. Another friend loves steampunk!
If you’re in NYC, I highly recommend connecting with my girl Kimmay. She’s the boob whisperer. Click here to check her out.
- Plan an everyday adventure.
- Use lube! Even if you don’t “need” it, lube enhances sensation and changes how various sex acts feel. Here are 5 ways to use lube during any type of sex.
- Consume sexy media together. It can be porn (videos & photos), erotica (books, short stories, & poetry), sexy blogs (like this one), and more. This book is a fabulous option – and a great conversation starter if you have it out on your coffee table! And here’s my favorite site for ethical, feminist porn. Want more? Cosmo did an awesome roundup of the 17 Best Porn Sites for Women.
- Commit to finding your g-spot. Already know where it is? Here are 5 different ways to have a g-spot orgasm!
- Get out of a rut…with your vibrator. No, you cannot become addicted to your vibrator. But you can get a little too dependent on it. Thankfully, it’s not permanent! Here’s how to retrain your body for pleasure if that happens.
- Host a sex workshop with your friends. To clarify – there isn’t live sex and everyone’s clothing stays on. There is a lot of laughing, learning, and bonding, and you leave with tons of new practical pleasure tips to try that night. Workshops are fantastic for bachelorette parties, birthdays, divorce parties, or just because you want to do something different this weekend. Plus, Vicki my vulva puppet makes an appearance.
- Get it on in the water. Shower, ocean, pool, whatever. Just a) avoid hot tubs as they’re a hotbed of bacteria and b) do not, do not, DO NOT forget the silicone lube! Water dries you out and water-based lube washes away.
- Give mutual masturbation a try. Here’s why it can be hotter than sex (hint: it’s super intimate & faster) and how to get started.
- Don’t act your age. Look to childhood games to add a sense of adventure. Think: twister, tag, and pillow fights. Men’s Health recently interviewed me about this topic. You can see that article here: Pillow Fights: The Key to Spicing Up Your Sex Life.
Adding adventure doesn’t have to be so hard!
You don’t need a closet full of props, a ton of time, or even a kinky side. Choose one or two activities from this list that sounds sexy and fun, and give it a few tries. If it works, add it to your bedroom repertoire. If not, ditch it! Either way, come back to this list and choose your next fun adventure.
In other words, to keep your sex life intimate, exciting, & fulfilling, just keep asking, “what else?”
Your Partner in Passion,
*Some names have been changed per the individual’s request.