#FlashbackFriday: 3 Reasons You Can’t Come + What to Do About It

I’m currently writing to you from Washington D.C. where I have the honor of attending Catalyst Con, a convention filled with sex educators, geeks, and activist. So this week we’re talking about reasons you can’t come and what you should avoid in pursuit of the big O. After all, who doesn’t love a good climax?

Some people say that sex is all about the orgasm. I say not it’s not! ! Or at least it doesn’t always have to be. Sometimes you come, sometimes you don’t, and sometimes the orgasm you have just isn’t what you were expecting. Wherever you fall on the spectrum of “never comes” to “comes every time” there are steps you can take to help you climax more easily. That being said, there are also things you should avoid. It’s this “don’t do” list that I’m sharing today.

Can’t Come? Don’t…

1) Forget about foreplay. For most female-bodied individuals, foreplay needs to be more than a few minutes of hurried touching and kissing. It takes about 20 minutes of warming up before the vulva is ready to go! By that I mean all the wonderful physical changes like increased blood flow, lubrication, and the vagina changing shape. Foreplay doesn’t just have to be about one person though! Many people get aroused by giving their partner pleasure (oral sex is a common favorite). Foreplay is really a time to explore what turns you on and keeps you going. There’s no wrong way to do it, except if it isn’t consensual, and what you like will probably change over time.

2) Have jackrabbit sex. You know…the age old in-out-in-out-in-out that totally ignores all 8000 nerve endings in the clitoris? For a lot of people, this isn’t going to do the trick! Less than 30% of female-bodied individuals can come from this kind of stimulation. So its time to say “Farewell” to the jackrabbit or at least “See you at the next quickie.” Instead, try positions where your clit can be stimulated, either by your partner’s body, someone’s fingers, or a toy. Think girl on top or doggy style.

3) Be so afraid of doing something wrong that you do nothing at all. Let’s be real: sex can be awkward. You have two nekkid bodies coming together – there’s bound to be some mishap every now and again! That doesn’t mean you should let said awkwardness paralyze you with worries of looking silly or weird. Ditch that BS. Sex isn’t about perfection. There are going to be funny moments, awkward moments, and even embarrassing ones. <–tweet that Its totally ok to have these because this sexual exploration lets you to learn what really turns you on and gets you off. Plus, you’ll build intimacy as you and your partner bond over these moments. One day, you can look back and laugh about them. “Hey honey! Remember that time when…”

These rules aren’t hard and fast. <–pun intended Rather they are general guidelines to keep in mind if you find yourself struggling to orgasm time and again. The whole point of #freedominpleasure is that you get to choose how and why and when to get the sex you deserve. These steps are just a guide to help you figure out exactly what that means for you.

Do you know someone who struggles to orgasm? If so, share this post! They’ll thank you and so will I.

Your Partner in Passion,

Kait xo