When it comes to your sex life, you worry about things like how to get in the mood faster, having different sex drives, and not having time for sex. You know that you don’t want to end up in a sexless relationship, but you aren’t sure what to do about these issues.
You’re so not alone.
These are the most common sex questions I hear from women in longterm relationships like yours. And while the exact cause of each is different, learning how to get turned on can help you with all of them.
Before we get to the “how-to” section, we gotta bust some myths. There’s tons of wrong information about how to get in the mood, especially for those of us with vulvas. You’ve definitely heard and maybe and believe some of these myths. So first we’re going to prove those wrong so you know for sure that however you get in the mood is totally normal and awesome.
Getting in the mood doesn’t always just happen.
Despite what you see in movies, books, and everywhere else. It’s plain not true.
There definitely are times you and your sweetie look at each other and BOOM! are ready to go. But often one or both of you need something more.
Your body & brain need to shift from your day to being intimate.
Say you and your sweetie have sex scheduled. You feel tired, stressed, and not really in the mood when the time comes. Once you start talking, kissing, touching, and connecting, though, that changes and you’re ready to go!
This is called responsive desire. It’s really common, especially (but not only) among women. More importantly: it is totally healthy and normal.
As the name suggests, responsive desire is when you feel aroused after sexy things — touching, kissing, fantasizing, etc — happen. It’s why you don’t want sex until after you start fooling around.
There are things you can do to get in the mood more quickly.
Some of these you can do throughout the day so you’ll be ready to go when it’s sexy time. Others you can do on your own…and no I’m not talking about masturbation (though that’s totally a good idea if it’s your thing).
How To Get In the Mood – 11 Ways for How to Get Turned On
- Think about sex all day. Start with morning cuddles and extra kisses and read something sexy (like this blog or a romance novel) on your lunch break and/or commute. Fantasize about what you want to do to your partner and what you’d like them to do to you.
- Touch. A lot and all over. Touch the back, face, feet, neck, chest, stomach, etc. Hug, kiss, cuddle, massage. Maybe even use some props like a massage candle, feather tickler, or scalp massager.
- Do it “before dinner.” In other words, have sex first. Don’t wait until nothing sounds sexier than a tummy rub and a nap.
- Roleplay. You don’t have to invest in outfits or props (unless you want to). Instead, keep it simple and meet your sweetie at a bar or restaurant and pretend to be strangers. Invite them back to your place and let the magic happen. If you want to take it up one more notch, incorporate one of your fantasies. Maybe one of you is a pilot, traveling salesperson, etc.
- Flirt. With everyone and especially your partner! Bat them eyelashes, be playful and sassy, strike up a conversation. If you take public transit, have a lil’ eye sex on the subway. Chat up that cute barista. Take a sexy selfie (you don’t have to share it). Generally be playful and sassy. That sexual energy spills over into the bedroom too.
- Sext. If you and your significant other enjoy it. Talk about what you want to do to each other. Share photos. You’ve been thinking about sex all day right? Go on and share those thoughts. Use words, pictures, or even video if you’re feeling extra sassy and bold.
- Hop into the shower together. Its practical and sexy. Washing each other is intimate, you get to relax and unwind, and you know you’re both clean. Plus its environmentally-friendly and you have someone to reach those hard-to-reach spots (AMEN). If you have a bathtub, even better. Just remember: use silicone lube for sex in the water. Hint: I <3 this one.
- Shut out the world. This is especially important if its been a stressful day. Take some time to meditate, dance, journal. Do whatever you need to shift from “on” to “turned on.”
- Have a dance party! Put on your favorite sexy tunes and move however feels good for you. This helps you get out of your head and into your body and physically start the arousal process. Its like foreplay with yourself. You and your sweetie can always dance together too.
- Get ready. Put on some lingerie, set out some candles, play some sexy tunes, spritz your sheets, dab on some perfume. Maybe shave each other if you prefer being bare down there.
- Foreplay, in the more traditional sense. All the foreplay- kissing, stroking, caressing, licking, sucking. Have a make-out session, fondle each other, explore each other’s bodies, go down on each other, use sex toys…the list is endless!
We all have different things that get us going
You may find one of these is the magic key. Or you may discover that you need a few of these or to switch things up regularly.
Both are totally normal, healthy, and more-than-okay.
Your Partner in Passion,