How do I introduce sex toys into my relationship? My partner is concerned they’ll replace him or “ruin” me!
This is, hands down, the most common question we get about sex toys.
Most objections are rooted in myths about female sexuality and the role that sex toys play (pun unintended!). So the first step to bringing toys into your sexy times is having the right info.
There’s nothing wrong with you, your partner, or your relationship if you need a sex toy to experience orgasm
Most people with vulvas—at least 70%—need clitoral stimulation to experience orgasm. Unfortunately, “sex” as it’s most often talked about – as penis in vagina (PIV) intercourse – doesn’t hit your spot.
It’s probably not that you can’t come or that your partner(s) doesn’t know what to do or that you have deep underlying relationship issues. More likely, its some combination of nature geometry, and a society that upholds cis, white, heteropatriarchal sexuality as the gold standard and anything that differs from it as problematic.
Read more: 8 Things You Didn’t Learn in Sex Ed
People who use sex toys are three times more likely to experience orgasm
That’s a huge fucking difference! And it’s because toys stimulate your most sensitive areas: the clitoris‘ 8000+ nerve endings, g-spot, and prostate, among others.
It’s also because the sensation stimulates your nerves, particularly those of your internal clitoris, more deeply and in new ways.
No, your vibrator can’t ruin you
What can happen? The same that happens when you don’t try new things with your partner(s): you get stuck in a rut. You use your toy the same way every time and suddenly you find yourself struggling to experience orgasm or that sex with your honey isn’t as fulfilling.
If you find yourself experiencing this, the solution is simple: switch up both the toys you use and how you use them. It takes time & patience, but your pleasure is worth it.
Read more: Can I Become Addicted to My Vibrator?
Sex toys also can’t “fix” you
Most likely, there’s nothing wrong with you! Also because sex toys aren’t cure-alls. You know that – most of what impacts your sex life has nothing to do with sex – but it’s an appealing myth nonetheless.
…or your relationship.
If there are deeper issues in your relationship that you hope introducing sex toys will fix, I’m sorry to tell you that won’t happen. Just like having a threesome, adopting a pet, or getting pregnant won’t. Take the time to address those issues with a sex therapist or educator
Sex toys are amazing tools that enhance your pleasure
Specifically they…
- make it easier for you to experience orgasm
- add newness, variety, & adventure to your sex life
- improve your circulation
- help increase your desire
- add playfulness, fun, & experimentation
- boost your confidence
- improve your overall sexual satisfaction
Read more: 9 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life When You Live Together
What To Look for In Couple’s Sex Toys
When you’re ready to introduce sex toys into your relationship, there are a few things to keep in mind.
The most important feature of any sex toy is if you’ll use it! Ask yourself: Is this a toy I can picture myself using? If the answer is no, search for something else. (Yes even if it’s super popular, some magazine told you it’s “the best,” or a girlfriend raves about hers.)
Next, only use toys made from body-safe materials.
The best way to do this is to buy toys from trusted manufacturers that submit for independent safety testing, offer a warranty, and have a history of putting consumer’s health first. Everything on the list below checks those boxes!
In addition to being body-safe, everything on this list is also waterproof and rechargeable. The former so you get more ways to play and the latter because of convenience and saving money (batteries are so damn expensive).
You or your beau still nervous about trying sex toys? Here’s 7 ways to get onboard.
How to Introduce Sex Toys in Your Relationship
Give them information how they best receive it
Similar to loving your beau by using their love language, teach them how to use sex toys in your relationship using their learning style! Are they someone who needs facts & figures? Do your research (use this post!). Need an emotional reason – get real about your experience with pleasure & desire. Kinesthetic learners? Get yourself the toy and let them watch you use it.
Don’t start with a vibrator
Rather than going for a toy that buzzes, start with a liquid.
Silicone lube is sex educator’s secret for unforgettable skin-to-skin contact. Think: hand jobs & fingering, blowjobs, and intercourse of all kinds. We heart this one.
Another option is an arousal oil, which is great for nights when one of you is ready to go but the other isn’t quite there yet…. or for quickies b/c of work, kids, etc). As a bonus, arousal oils also make your orgasms feel more intense. We recommend this one with botanicals and CBD.
Starting with a liquid helps your partner feel more comfortable incorporating outside things into the bedroom. Plus, by enhancing the experience, it leaves them feeling positive and more open to trying other things as well.
START SMALL AND NON-PHALLIC
No one wants to be outdone or replaced, including your beau(s). While you know that a piece of engineering can’t replace their love and cuddles, do yourself (and them) a favor & choose a toy that won’t trigger this anxiety.
One of our favourites is Squish. Its fun shape looks more like a piece of art while its tapered tip allows for pinpoint stimulation in all sorts of fun areas. Think: clitoris, perineum, nipples, and more!
Another great option would be the We-Vibe Touch X. It’s the perfect size and shape to fit between you during any number of sexy activities. Use it on the clitoris, labia, nipples, scrotum, penis, or perineum (t’aint).
Read More: Our Favourite External Vibrators
TRY A TOY YOU BOTH CAN ENJOY
How you introduce and use sex toys in your relationship is totally up to you. And, its easier and more enjoyable when you both enjoy the experience! This might be a toy that…
- you choose together
- vibrates against both of you
- your beau loves using on you
Vibrating cock-ring like the Je Joue Mio are great for this. Just slide it on the base of the penis or strap on—don’t forget lube!—and rotate the vibrating part to either stimulate the clitoris or scrotum. Mio is very strethy and has deep, rumbly vibrations. Alternatively, the We-Vibe Chorus is meant to be worn during PIV and stimulate the penis, clit, and g-spot.
Read More: All About Cock Rings
USE SOMETHING THAT INTEGRATES SEAMLESSLY
That means the toy is quiet and fits between your bodies in all your favorite positions.
Our current favorite is Fin (pictured). This finger vibrator is completely ergonomic, turning your beau’s hands into a vibrator. That makes it perfect for all sorts of sexy time, from steamy make-out sessions to intercourse. Plus it goes anywhere their hands can. May we suggest giving it a try during doggy style?
Use something Just for them
Since we mostly hear this question from women in relationship with cishet men, another option would be to use a toy designed for the penis to show them how fun, pleasurable and non-threatening toys can be!
You can try a penis sleeve like the Tenga 3D to give them the best handjob of their lives. Or you can try a a masturbator for people with penises. The Pulse 2 Duo uses oscillation to essentially vibrate the penis to climax. Its hands-free, can be used while flaccid or erect, and also vibrates for your pleasure.
Read more: Home Remedies for Erectile Dysfunction: A Sex Educator’s Guide
Make it kinky
Incorporating tools for sex acts that require you to use a tool shows how awesome incorporating sex toys can be. That’s everything from props for role play scenes to kink & BDSM tools.
You can try the Plunge Paddle + Dildo. Its gentle enough for spanking newbies but can pack a punch if you flick your wrist just a little harder. Made of 100% silicone, this stays slightly cool, making it perfect for rubbing the soreness after a particularly hard spanking. In between hits, rub, tease, and insert the bulbous head & smooth shaft of the handle.
We also love Tsk (pictured left), another double-ended paddle with sturdy leather on one side and tassles on the other.
Do a little bartering
You have desires – like trying a sex toy – and so do they! Talk it out and agree to try something they want that you’re also comfortable with. Who knows what you’ll both discover?
Read more: How to Get What You Want in Bed
Play with it!
It’s called a sex toy for a reason! Practice edging, where your beau doesn’t let you climax until they say so. See how many orgasms you can experience in a row. Bring it with you to the next engagement party/wedding/birthday party and see where you can get away with using it. Have fun with it.
Remember that your partner loves you
Your pleasure matters to them. They want to see you satisfied and this is one way to do that. Sometimes it really can be as simple as that!
Sex toys add to your pleasure & intimacy – they don’t take anything away
Like everything new you try together, using sex toys increases that lovin’ feeling! Hopefully when you introduce sex toys in this way, it’ll show your honey how important intimacy is to you.