Mindful Sex Techniques

So many of us crave deeper connections and more presence in all aspects of our lives, especially our sex life. Like building desire, getting out of your head and being present during sex starts long before sexy time. It’s a practice, a muscle you build over time. Here are some of our favourite mindful sex techniques for more pleasure, connection, and presence. Best of all, they don’t require any special equipment and you can start practicing immediately…like as soon as you’re done reading this.

What is mindfulness?

Merriam-Webster defines it as:

the practice of maintaining a nonjudgmental state of heightened or complete awareness of one’s thoughts, emotions, or experiences on a moment-to-moment basis; also :  such a state of awareness (Source)

Its about being present in the moment, aware of what’s going on, and not getting attached to it. Its about feeling your feeling rather than pushing them away or trying to distract yourself with TV, food, alcohol, sex, [your favorite vice].

Mindfulness has so many benefits

The benefits of mindfulness are far and wide. From reducing stress and pain to boosting sleep quality and your mood, there is a lot of research showing that being more present in your own life, through the good, bad, and ugly, is just plain good for you. It also can help get through difficult times more seamlessly. As difficult as it can be to sit with emotions we often label “negative,” sadness, anger, pain, and fear often dissipate more quickly when we lean into them without judgment.

Relationship Benefits

Beyond the fact that being less stressed, better rested, and happier all contribute to an improved relationship, there also are benefits to mindfulness that specifically impact your relationship. Researchers recently gathered to share their newest finding on the practice’s benefits including its relationship-specific ones. To summarize:

Practicing presence → more compassion + forgiveness, less distress

This result in particular stuck out to me:

“One of the studies showed that mindful people tend to more readily forgive their partners for past offenses, and also tend to be more accepting of their partners overall.”

Who doesn’t want that? Aren’t we always hearing how you need to love your partner as they are while holding space for them to grow?! Mindfulness can help with that.

All three of these can powerfully impact your relationship. Whether its extending kindness + empathy to your partner after a stressful day, forgiving them and yourself more easily for the hurts we all cause, or letting go of the things that nag you or you nag your honey about, these benefits have the potential to be hugely impactful.

Read more: Appreciate Your Partner for a Stronger Relationship

Sex Benefits

Do you ever find yourself distracted during sexy time? Maybe you’re in the moment, totally enjoying yourself when suddenly you start thinking about your to-do list or worrying about how you look, if you look hot enough, what you’re doing, or… or… or…

(BTW This is called “spectatoring” and most people struggle with it at some point.)

While you may associate mindfulness with meditation, you can practice anytime, anywhere. Sex is the perfect time to be practice being present. There are so many sensations for you to focus on and the more you get out of your head and into the moment, the better they feel.

Practicing pleasure can be a form of mindfulness

Think about it: the last time you had an orgasm, where you thinking about anything but the experience of pleasure itself? If you’ve never had an orgasm, think about the most pleasurable experience, sexual or otherwise, of your life. You were alive, vibrant, and living right in that moment.

While prioritising your pleasure can feel frivilous or selfish, it helps you experience all the same benefits of mindfulness. And when it comes to mindful sex? That harnesses the best of both world.

Read more: 7 Reasons to Prioritize Your Pleasure

Mindful Sensual Play Ideas (FKA “foreplay” – here’s why we don’t call it that anymore)

These practices help you and your beau(s) connect deeply before you get it on. 

MIND THE TRANSITION

Dr. Reece Malone, a sex therapist and sexuality educator, encourages couples to be mindful of how you start your intimacy. 

“Oftentimes individuals can be in a rush or fall into habits and long held patterns. By savoring entering into an intimate encounter, lingering in the enjoyment with each other, and being present with the sensations of physical contact can increase desire and sexual satisfaction.” 

How? He recommends breathing together. “Turn off any social media aps, dim the lights, reduce external noises and distractions. Whether the couple is gazing into each other’s eyes or even spooning…being attuned to each other’s breathing can deepen intimacy, increase vulnerability, and ignite passion.”

PRACTICE OUTSIDE OF THE BEDROOM

For many people, sex feels vulnerable and high stakes. That’s why couples who talk about everything find themselves stumped when it comes to talking about sex

Malone recommends living a sensual life outside of the bedroom. “The more we practice being in the moment with ourselves, the greater the chances we are to be more present and mindful with a partner.” 

Savour your food and drink, look up as you walk around, or face the sun, eyes closed, and bask in its warmth. 

Read more: Sexy Date Ideas for More Passion & Connection

LEAD WITH YOUR BREATH

According to Eva Blake, a somatic sex educator and sexological bodyworker, one of the best ways to mindfully increase intimacy and pleasure is to lead with your breath.

“Start by simply focusing on your breath in this current moment.  Notice whether you are inhaling and exhaling through your nose or mouth.  Notice the length of the inhale and exhale. Notice how your chest, belly, back, or pelvis expands and contracts as you move the oxygen through your system.  Find the flow that already exists. You don’t have to ‘make something happen.’ Just notice what is already happening.”

USE YOUR BREATH TO LEAD ANY ACTION

Blake shares a simple practice to touch and nourish each other. She says:

“On your own or with a partner, caress the arm or side body in one direction for the duration of the inhale, then go in the opposite direction for the duration of the exhale. Move at the speed and pace of the breath. Take your time to notice the terrain of the skin and bones and flesh and fat over the course of the fullness of the breath.”

MIRROR EACH OTHER

To amplify or intensify your connection, Blake recommends a three-step process: “Look each other in the eyes, match your breath with your partner’s while each of you mirrors the touch of the other—same part of the body, same pace, similar level of pressure.”

Mirroring creates a strong connection between you, generating excitement and deepening your intimacy and closeness. You may feel swept up in the excitement, ecstatic even.

Read more: Six exercises for better sex and more stamina

Mindful Sex Techniques

Use these practices in the moment to bring your stray thoughts back to the pleasure.

TREAT YOURSELF

When you’re self-pleasuring, it’s easy to let play and pleasure fall to the wayside. Dirty Lola, co-host of Sex Probz, recommends that you take the time to treat yourself the same as you would a lover.

“Wear your favorite lingerie just for yourself. Indulge in food you normally think of as date food when you’re by yourself. Most importantly, make love to yourself during solo sex instead of just a quick fap before bed. Use all your favorite toys. Light some candles. Tell yourself how luscious you feel. You deserve all of those things whether you’re with someone or on your own.”

Read more: 15 Sensual Self-Care Practices that Don’t Cost a Thing

FOCUS ON YOUR SENSES

Whether self-pleasuring or having partner sex, pay attention to what you see, feel, hear, taste, and touch. Malone elaborates: “By being present with our own sights, smells, tastes and sensations throughout our body, we build a stronger relationship with ourselves and broaden ways we can share our pleasures with our partners.”

One way to do this is through a grounding practice where you notice things with each senses. Five things you see, four things you feel, three things you hear, two things you smell, and one thing you taste. You may feel your sweetie’s hands on your breasts, smell their cologne, see their eyes staring back at you, hear your own moans of pleasure, and taste your partner. The goal is to bring you back into the present and fully experience the moment.

If your brain tends toward judgment as you do this, refocus on pleasure, says Francis. “Finding pleasure gives your brain meaningful work to do if your mind is particularly noisy in the moment. You can also advocate for any changes you might like that will increase your pleasure and bring you deeper into the experience.” 

Read more: New Things to Try In Bed: Sensation Play

GET ATTUNED

According to relationship therapist, educator, and author, Shadeen Francis, one aspect of mindful sex that often gets overlooked is emotional attunement.  

“Being present to your emotions, and the emotions of your sexual partners is key to mindful sex. Check-in with how you’re feeling (use an emotion word!) and if you’re with another person, ask them about how they feel, also.”

Read more: 21 Intimate Ideas for Couples to Instantly Reconnect

LET YOUR BREATH ANCHOR YOU

Your breath is incredibly powerful. It can calm you, arouse you (sexually or otherwise), or increase your nervousness, stress, and anger.

If you find yourself getting anxious or awkward, Blake says to simply return to your breath. “[Let it be] your anchor, your ground, your guide.” Focusing your breath slows you down so you can get fully present and connected. 

Additionally, if you focus on deeper breaths, it can increase the intensity of your orgasm. Try breathing only through your nose or letting your moans be deep rather than high pitched. However you approach it, it can be a whole new experience.

For the best results, practice often

For any of the techniques, the goal isn’t to do it “right” or “perfectly.” Try not to get caught up in how well you do them. After all, they are tools to help you be more present and experience more pleasure.

The same goes for frequency. You don’t have to do these every time you have sex; however, the more you practice, the more benefits you experience.

Mindful sex isn’t for everyone

Sex and relationship coach Dawn Serra notes that “embodiment is not accessible to everyone and presence may feel unsafe” for a variety of physical, mental, and emotional reasons. She recommends reading Better Sex Through Mindfulness by Dr. Lori Brotto for deeper understanding of trauma and mindful sex, as well as practices to untangle the two so you can lean into presence safely. We also recommend the book With Pleasure by Jamila Dawson and August McLaughlin which focuses specifically on this topic.

NB: A previous version of this article listed the The Body Keeps the Score We no longer recommend it for many reasons. You can learn more and find additional alternatives by clicking here.

Practicing mindful sex can be a powerful step on your pleasure journey

It helps you practice receiving, deepens your connection with yourself and any partner(s), and invites in more pleasure. 

33 thoughts on “Mindful Sex Techniques

  1. Thanks for sharing this- I definitely find myself starting to go over “oh my gosh I gotta remember to do this!” in my head while things are getting intimate. It gets kinda bad and certainly doesn’t help set the mood!

    I’m sorry to hear things were acting up but it sounds like you dealt with it as best you could. Sometimes when I’m really having trouble with things I try to just go for a walk or something to take a deep breath and a moment to realize where I “really am” and what’s going on…if that makes sense!

    -Kelsey

    1. Thank you for sharing and for your kind words. That “monkey mind” happens to the best of us and can make true intimacy really tough sometimes. I return to these tools over and over again in sexy situations and otherwise!

      I really love what you say about going for a walk to realize where you really are. That rings so true in this situation and others. I recently finished the Desire Map process and knowing my core desired feelings has been so helpful in figuring out the tension, stress, etc.

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