About two years ago I surveyed my newsletter list to see what topics they wanted to know more about.
The overwhelming response? Orgasm.
You told me you want easier, more frequent, and stronger climaxes! Though I truly believe in pursuing pleasure for pleasure’s sake, I also know that, for many, orgasm is the ultimate release.
Though the science of sex doesn’t always move as fast as I’d like, there is usually something new and interesting and, well, sexy to learn about. Earlier this summer, researchers confirmed something I’ve been teaching for the past five years:
Your brain is your biggest and most important sex organ.
In other words, you can, to a degree, think your way to a better orgasm. Let’s briefly review the study before talking about what this means for you.
Sex research, as you can imagine, can be surprisingly difficult to do thanks to the shame and stigma so many people attach to the topic. That means we look all over the globe and especially in countries that are more open about sex. This study comes from France where researchers surveyed about 300 sexually active women. Most identified as heterosexual and the average age was 31. The women were divided into two groups based on their response to the survey: those who orgasmed regularly (orgasmic women) and those who reported that they did not (anorgasmic women).
What were the big take-aways?
Most of the women experienced pleasure and orgasm. But among the orgasmic women, pleasure was more common and sexual distress was less common. The lesson? There is a relationship between the amount of pleasure and distress a woman feels and her ability to orgasm.
Clitoral stimulation was the most commonly used and favorite form of stimulation. However, orgasmic women were more likely to use more than one kind of stimulation (e.g. clitoral, vaginal, anal, nipple, etc) at the same time. This was especially true during partner sex.
Both groups of women reported thinking mostly erotic thoughts during solo sex. Orgasmic women, however, also think about such things during partner sex.
Orgasmic women are more likely believe that focusing on physical sensations of sex are the best thoughts during the act.
Ok you’re thinking – thats all well and good but how the heck does this apply to me? Here are four ways these results can help you experience more pleasure and maybe even have a better orgasm.
- Get curious and creative. The study doesn’t tell us is whether sexual creativity (e.g. using different types of stimulation) makes it more likely a woman will orgasm or women who are naturally orgasmic are also more sexually creative. My bet is that the relationship works in both directions. Regardless, mixing things up is clearly a good thing. Start small – stroke your hands up and down your body, lingering where it feels good. When you get comfortable add in [nipple/ass/vaginal/vulval/clitoral] play one at a time. If it feels good – keep at it. If not, try something new. Same goes for different positions, strokes, textures, toys, and more.
- Fantasize away, whether you are alone, with a partner, or just going about your life.
- Focus on physical sensations. If you get distracted during sex or find yourself thinking about other things such as how you look, whether what you’re doing is working, and if you’re going to orgasm, mindfulness activities are amazing. Challenge yourself to identify three things you can feel. Maybe its the sheets beneath you, the air going in and out of your lungs, and your heartbeat going faster. You can add in the other senses if you want too! You might find this easiest to practice first in non-sexual situations (e.g. working out), then during solo sex, and lastly with a partner. Or you may want to just jump right in.
- Focus on pleasure for pleasure’s sake, in and out of the bedroom. Do one thing every day that makes you feel good. Sex and masturbation are great options- so is dancing, running through sprinklers, and spending time in nature. During sexy time, spend more time doing the things that feel delicious rather than doing what you think you “should” to bring you to orgasm.
Ultimately all of these steps are about training your mind to experience and enjoy pleasure.
What will work for you may not work for me or your best friend or your sister or that girl in the cubicle down the hall. What this research tells us, however, is that the mind probably plays a big role in your ability to experience pleasure, orgasm, and sexual distress. Why not treat yourself by focusing on the first two?
How do you incorporate pleasure into your everyday? Let me know in the comments!