Not too long ago, a friend and I met for drinks at a swanky bar. The lights were warm and low, the seats plush and high backed, inviting naughty conversations. About halfway through our expensive and delicious drinks, she shared a sexy dream from the night before. While the details of the dream are fuzzy (I blame the gin), I clearly remember her guilt. The way she apologized before sharing, whispered every word, and kept her eyes downcast.
My friend isn’t alone in feeling unneccesarily guilty about her sexual fantasies. It’s one of the most common secrets shared in a hushed voice by coaching clients, workshop attendees, and random folks I meet at networking events, bars, and the like. Sometimes the guilt stems from what happens in the fantasies. Other times, it’s just having the fantasy because shouldn’t your partner fulfill every one of your sexual needs?!
The truth is, you don’t need to feel guilty about what’s in your spank bank. Sexual fantasies can actually help you have better sex and a more intimate relationship. Plus there’s this glaringly obvious fact:
Sexual fantasies aren’t real.
Yeah I know – duh! But it’s easy to forget this when you’re feeling guilty.
Fantasies are just the things that turn you on in theory (and the safety of your own mind where you call all the shots). A lot of the time, your fantansies aren’t even things you want to try IRL. It’s the thinking about them and being in complete control of what happens that’s the most fun, sexy, and pleasurable!
So you might hate pain IRL but love thinking about getting spanked. Or you’re truly madly deeply in love with your sweetie but really enjoy meeting that sexy stranger in your dreams.
It’s also worth mentioning that pain, fear and pleasure all come from the same part of your brain. So it’s easy for signals to get crossed or for something to terrify you in one sitcuation but turn you on in another. Gotta love science…!
Now sexual fantasies only become a problem when
- they affect your relationship
- you hurt someone
- you can no longer tell the difference between fantasy and reality
Let your thoughts go wild.
Right now you’re probably thinking, “Yeah letting go of my guilt is much easier said than done.” And I get it. I struggled with my own guilt over fantasies for many years. But I got it over it by constantly reminding myself that fantasies don’t represent what you actually want. If the same thing were to actually happen, with all of the messiness and variables of two or more people coming together, it would be totally different than the idealized version I have in my mind.
Fantasies are the perfect place to explore, play, and experiment.
Because they aren’t real, anything goes. So let your mind wander and see what pops up. You might get an idea for something you do want to try with your sweetie! Fantasies are also great for when you’re riding solo or super distracted during sex (other things can help with that too).
Some days, all you do is count the seconds until you can masturbate. Other times, however, you’re kinda sorta horny or bored or stressed or can’t fall asleep and figure a little loving will be a good way to take care of that.
3 Ways Sexual Fantasies Improve Your Sex Life
- They help you get in the mood or get off. If you’re distracted during sex, try using all that mental energy to focus on a fantasy instead of your to-do list. This is super helpful for those nights when your partner is really into it and you aren’t quite there yet but you totally want to be. The best part? Fantasies are great starters or finishers.
- They carry you through long-distance relationships and/or dry spells. Let’s be real – sometimes its up to only you and your hands + toys. It happens even in the best relationships! Using a fantasy will make the experience a whole helluva lot more fun and quicker if that’s what you’re going for.
- They help you spice things up. Sharing or acting out those fantasies you are interested in trying can get you out of a relationship rut. You can describe the fantasy during sex, as you pleasure your partner, or while masturbating together. If you do this, tell your partner what you see, hear, taste, smell and feel. I promise, it’s a really intimate experience. Want to act out the fantasy instead? “Set the scene” as much as you can. You don’t have to go all out but change things up with props, outfits, and even your location so that it feels new, fun, and adventurous. This could be as simple as meeting your sweetie after work and pretending to be strangers or as elaborate as buying a desk, ruler, and pleated skirt.
Have fun with your sexual fantasies but be smart about them.
By that I mean think about them all you want. And if and when you decide to try something out, keep it legal, consensual, and safe. So if you decide to act out the ever-popular teacher/student scene, talk with your sweetie about what’s you’re comfortable doing, research which parts of the body are safe to spank (sex injuries are one of the few things it’s hard to laugh about), and resist the urge to break into your kid (or your neighbor’s kid’s) school to make it more real. <–kidding, but only kind of.
Ditching your guilt and bringing your fantasies into real life can be tricky but it’s one more way you can have the intimate, adventurous, and satisfying sex life you desire.
Your Partner in Passion,