I’m Coming Out: Thoughts on Being Vanilla

I have a confession to make.

Its one of those pesky identity things that I never really thought about before because I had the privilege of being in the majority. After spending days  surrounded by sex ed and activism superstars, folks heavily involved in kink, and a community where monogamy is not the norm, however, I couldn’t not think about it.

And I’m so grateful for the amazing and challenging experiences that brought me to this “Well duh!” moment because they showed me where and how I want to make a differences in this vast world of sex education. If I took nothing else from Catalyst, I gained a clearer vision of the work I am meant to do.

So are you ready for my big secret?

You sure?

Here goes…

I’m vanilla.

And I plan on totally disrupting what this means. I want to talk about sex in a way that speaks to those who chose a vanilla lifestyle while creating a welcoming and safe space for anyone who just wants some kick-ass sex advice. After all, I’d argue that regardless of your sexual repertoire, everyone could use more information, openness, and advice about sex.

Don’t you agree?

My experiences at Catalyst also showed me that vanilla doesn’t always need to boring or passive or less than. The beauty of the sex-positive world is that there is room for all of us. We have the right to choose between monogamy and ethical non-monogamy, kink or no kink, etc. This is not an us-versus-them debate. It is about living in a space where all options are accepted and supported.

I choose to gear my work towards those who actively choose monogamy and have barely, if at all, dipped their toes into the world of kink. That’s what is right for me at this point. But my vanilla-ness, and therefore my work, goes beyond that.

So what does being vanilla mean? Well, the PbK brand of vanill-ness is for people who…

    • know or want to know their sexual preferences and are willing to explore, alone and with a partner;

    • are willing to push outside their comfort zone and challenge their boundaries in search of more pleasure and satisfaction and intimacy;

    • want sex to be a time of freedom, pleasure, and  being present to experience the beauty of the moment.

Before I finish, I want to acknowledge that “vanilla” is a fluid label. The fact that I sell sex toys, write and teach about sex and pleasure, and advocate for sex-positivity in violence prevention might seem radical some while completely vanilla to others. PbK is neither and it is both–more importantly it is inclusive, sex-positive, and evidence-based.

So what exactly does this realization mean for you? Well, PbK will still be THE place for inclusive sex-positive advice. The focus will still be on finding freedom in pleasure, a phrase that I’ll be exploring more in the next few weeks. And along with that we’ll talk about consent, passionate monogamy, and ways to not just “spice things up” but also to be comfortable in the discomfort that so often stems from said spicing.

Passion by Kait has been evolving since day one: from Passion Parties to sex advice to passion and prevention to #freedominpleasure, and now, owning my vanilla-ness. I hope you’ll continue with me on this journey as we learn, grow, and experience more pleasure than ever.

Know someone who is or loves the vanilla lifestyle? Share this post. They’ll thank you and so will I!

Your Partner in Passion,

Kait xo