Do you ever feel like you aren’t having enough sex?
That everyone in the world is more sexually experienced than you?
That you’re undesirable or weird or broken or unwanted or shameful because you aren’t having (more) sex?
If so, Rachel Hills’ The Sex Myth is for you.
The book busts tons of myths about sex that you may not even realize you believed. Reading it feels like a soul-affirming hug from that friend who only wants what’s best for you.
Here’s the official description:
Fifty years after the sexual revolution, we are told that we live in a time of unprecedented sexual freedom; that if anything, we are too free now. But beneath the veneer of glossy hedonism, Rachel Hills argues that we are controlled by a new brand of sexual convention: one which influences all of us—woman or man, straight or gay, liberal or conservative. At the root of this silent code lies the Sex Myth—the defining significance we invest in sexuality that once meant we were dirty if we did have sex, and now means we are defective if we don’t do it enough. Source
Can I get an AMEN?! Or a high five? Whichever is more you.
The Sex Myth is behind all those ‘shoulds’ you tell yourself about your sex life and relationship. Things like how many times per week you should be having sex, what type of sex (vanilla or kinky) you should have in your relationship, and how you should feel about the sex you’re having.
The Sex Myth puts sex on a pedestal.
As Rachel writes:
The first layer of the Sex Myth was the most obvious: the media myth of a hypersexual society […] The second, less obvious dimension of the Sex Myth was the cultural and emotional value invested in sex: the belief that sex was more special, more significant, a source of greater thrills and more perfect pleasure than ant other activity humans engage in.
When you stop and look, you realize the Myth exists in almost all our conversations about sex.
Maybe you embellish your sexual encounters so they live up to expectations you think your friends have. Or you stay quiet so others assume that you also experience it. Or you don’t feel like you can ask for what you want in your relationship. These worries embody the Sex Myth, the idea that there is a right and a wrong way to have sex.
The Sex Myth requires there to be a normal.
‘Shoulds’ don’t exist without rules about what’s normal and what’s not. The truth though is that there is no normal in sex. There’s no one position or toy or turn-on that will work for everyone. There’s no magic number of times to fuck each week for a successful relationship. There’s no
Yet most of us feel this way. You might not even know why you think this or where you learned it. It just…is what it is. Or rather, it’s really the Sex Myth in action, coming at you from media and fairy tales and sex education.
The Sex Myth will challenge you.
It pushes you to look at how the Myth operates in your relationship. Where and how does it show up for you? What does it look like? How does it feel?
The Sex Myth shows up for my clients in a few main ways.
- You feel you have to say yes when your partner initiates because you’ll let them down otherwise.
- You rarely initiate sex with your hubby because…it’s their job as the male partner.
- You feel you should be doing it more often or in more exciting ways.
- You’re ashamed of your desires, for wanting more or less sex or different kinds.
The book inspires lots of ideas, questions, and feelings. It’s ideas are big and bold and push you outside your comfort zone (you know- where the magic happens). At the same time it helps you feel understood and reminds you that you aren’t alone in your fears and doubts.
Because of this, The Sex Myth isn’t a leisurely read. It’s a book to really engage with. For me that meant taking it one (half) chapter at a time. It meant scribbling down tons of notes. It meant laughing, crying, nodding, and gasping. Hills’ writing is fun and accessible but the ideas inspire so so much.
Sex can be “an act like any other.”
Dismantling the Sex Myth means getting to a place where sex is neither feared nor revered.
It’s one part of your relationship, but not the whole thing. It’s one way to be intimate with your sweetie, but not the only way. It’s one area you can improve, but not the answer to all your problems.
Sex and fabulous and fun…if you want it. And if you don’t that’s ok too. When it comes to creating the intimate, adventurous, and satisfying sex life you desire, the only thing that really matters is what you and your lover want. Part of figuring that out is seeing how and where the Sex Myth shows up and then stripping it all away so you can have the sex you really want.
Want your own copy of The Sex Myth? Get it here.
Your Partner in Passion,
A copy of The Sex Myth was provided to me in exchange for an honest review. All opinions are my own.