If you think back to be the best sex you’ve ever had, it probably involved emotional and mental preparation that started long before you got it on with your beau. Maybe it was obvious, like grooming or getting a massage or sexting your beau. Or perhaps it was more subtle, like reading your favorite novel on lunch or having an intense intellectual conversation. Regardless, there are lots of things to turn you on that you can do during the day because…
When you intentionally prep your mind and body, you’re more likely to “find” time for sex.
Here’s an example. My client Jane (totes not her real name) came to me feeling totally disconnected from her body and her husband. She described herself as a “people pleaser” and knew it was negatively impacting her sex life and relationship. Her first assignments?
- Take a 10 minute walk at lunch.
- Flirt with the barista where she got coffee everyday.
- Say no to at least one work thing and one personal thing each week.
By our second session she felt “amazing!” Sexier, lighter, and more energized. She and her beau had deeper conversations and were making decisions as a couple again. Sex was still a little awkward but better overall.
Later in our work together, she complained that at night she just wanted to take time for herself instead of having sex. As we dug into her schedule, she told me that she worked from 6:30am to 5:30pm. No – that’s not a typo!
When I picked my jaw up off the floor, I told her that of course she wasn’t in the mood for sex. She had no time for herself except for the snippet at lunch and at night! As the cliche goes: you can’t pour from an empty cup. Since she didn’t need to be in this early, we tweaked her schedule just a little and voila! More time for herself meant more time for sex.
Only then did we started working on her ability to experience orgasm during intercourse…but alas that’s a story for another post.
Small changes in the rest of your life lead to more intimate, exciting, & fulfilling sex.
Jane’s story has three big takeaways.
First, you don’t need to overhaul your whole life. Small, incremental changes will make an impact.
Secondly, what impacts your sex life the most has nothing to do with sex. I didn’t give Jane sex advice until month six of us working together.
12 Things to Turn You On
With that in mind, here are 12 ways of getting in the mood that won’t break your budget or schedule.
- Build a little bit of “me time” into your day. Listen to or read a book for fun on your commute. Take 5 minutes to do your makeup. Color, knit, or be creative for even 5 minutes.
- Create a custom diffuser blend of essential oils that you only use for sexy time. As your mind starts to associate the smell with sexy time, you’ll find yourself getting in the mood just like that. Pick a scent that you both love. Some personal favorites are Red Mandarin, Sandalwood, Clary Sage, or Jasmine.
- Invest in good bras and undies that make you feel sexy, gorgeous, and powerful (or however you most want to feel). Back in college I ditched my “period panties” for sexy black undies. They don’t get stained and I feel sexier on my period.
- Pamper yourself with an essential oil-infused bath or lotion before getting it on. If you have time for a bath, great. If not, give yourself a quick self-massage. Ylang Ylang is a great option because it’s an aphrodisiac.
- Treat yourself from time to time. I used to roll my eyes at this advice. I grew up quite poor and anytime anyone mentioned this it always was associated with something expensive. This could be a walk at lunch. Buying a new song or album from an artist you love. Say no to something that would add more stress to your life (you can do it!).
- De-stress throughout the day. If you’re tense all day, it’s that much harder to shift into connecting mode when you see your beau. Stretch at your desk. Use calming essential oils like At Peace, Tranquility, or Peace & Quiet. Meditate. Journal.
- Only keep clothes that
spark joymake you feel amazing. What’s the point of having clothes that don’t help you feel your best, whatever that means to you?! Yes, even your lounge clothes. For me this looked like ditching heels and all dress slacks and button down shirts. I don’t own pantyhose or tights. My sports bras are in cup sizes. Make it so that no matter what you pull out of your closet or how you’re feeling that day, you’ll feel at least pretty good about your clothes. Also, keep in mind that this is a process. Your likes and dislikes will change over time. Just like with sex.
- Get out of your head and into your body. Some of Jane’s favorite was to do this are meditation, journaling, taking a bath, and exercising. Another friend loves to color. I adore cooking and dancing. Diffuse some Sweet Oasis in the background to help the decompressing along. Or just rub a few drops between your hands and inhale deeply.
- Warm hellos and goodbyes. Anytime you part and reconnect with your beau, take the time to get a little intimate. Put your phone/computer/tablet down, jug it out for at least a minute, and give them a big smooch (obviously unless one of you is sick or ate something the other is deathly allergic too – then please wait). Use partings and greetings to deepen your connection and remind you that you do love them.
- Eye gaze/stare down. Every day for 4 minutes – or at least before sex – stare into each other’s eyes. Like long hugs, extended eye contact causes your body to release oxytocin – the bonding hormone. Bonus points if you diffuse this Love blend while you stare.
- Notice your yes and your no. Before getting it on, check in with yourself. Do you really want to be having sex right now? Sometimes a lack of desire comes not from there being anything wrong with you but from not wanting to have sex. That’s ok! If the answer isn’t a clear yes or no, communicate that to. You can say something like, “I might be down. Can we start with some kissing and see where it takes us?”
- Laughter. Laughter is such a great stress reliever, reduces pain, and helps you get in the moment! Plus it fills your body with endorphins that make you feel happier and more confident, and make it easier to connect.